Everyone needs a Lee Mason

When I first started doing these blogs there was one person jumping up and down in the background like a 5 year old begging me to talk about her...warts an all...that person is my best mate Mrs Lee Mason and like me shes not mentally right, which is why she is the perfect partner in crime for me.Now there are stories about Mason that will make you shudder and if written wrong could make you think this girl needs to be sectioned...but I'm telling you now this girl is fucking funny, if you need a bit of cheering up this girl will be on your doorstep in seconds...not to talk about you or why your upset...that's not Masons style... On arrival She'd just cup-cake you....( fart in her hand and throw in in your face)....now some may find that disgusting, I find it smelly, yet refreshing as alot of people I have come across do tend to try and be my friend for all the wrong reasons, I don't do fake and Mason is as real as they come. When I first met Mason it was in a fitness class at the gym...there she was jumping around doing all the wrong moves and I was just behind giggling as I'd found someone who was worse than me...we started talking and for the last 13 years or so we've fucked about and got into all sorts of trouble, it drives Marc up the wall and on many an occasion we have been told to grow up....boring.... On some days when Id been to work and been surrounded by lovie darlings and I needed a bit of normal time Lee would tell me a story about how that morning she had stuffed talc up her bare arse...farted in her husbands face and as the talc flew out she'd sing "Puff the magic dragon" at him..he'd go mad and scream and shout, but this just made her antics worse....another time Grant her husband who is a football manager had gone and got the team bus and left it open outside her house.. She sneaked on, mooned out of his drivers side window rubbing her arse all over the steering wheel and got me to take pictures of it, then when he was driving the lads to the match she sent him the pictures... One of my favourite holidays was with The Mason in Ibiza.. We went with a Journalist who was working as one of the 3am girls and she was covering all gossip out there, every morning we used to go and soba up with coffee and breakfast at the beach cafe...one day the little Spanish owner came out and asked us why we was always laughing and what was our names? Before I could even tell him Mason pointed at me and said "she's called Licker...I'm called Mya she's called Minger" so he said...aaahhhhhhh Licker Mya Minger!? what beautiful names....and every flipping morning he greeted us as that....in front of everyone, it was also on that Hoilday that after a load of Germans had taken over our pool and were being quite rude to us and it was getting a bit heated..Mason got off her sunbed...ran...dived bombed them all right in the middle taking out half the pool water..then pissed in the pool as she swam around them....there faces were a picture.... Every day I laughed so hard I nearly wet myself... The thing is , I need Mason in my life, she makes my day brighter and makes me feel normal...I could go on and on about her, telling you stories after stories but they won't do her justice, every day is a mad one with her, from her sticking a nude picture of her husband on the door so when the kebab man turned up grant would open the door and know that the kebab man had seen his bits...or the time we went to Butlins with all our kids and she started a fucking food fight with Marc in the middle of dinner slinging pots of Mayo all over him....or at my wedding in Cyprus she found a massive long bannister and slide down it about a hundred times because she was bored...or even the time she made grant take back a blanket to debenhams on Boxing day only to hide her vibrator in it for banter, it fell on the floor in front of everyone in the queue and the lady behind the counter asked him to leave....This blog may or may not of interested you but it had to be done for the simple reason that I love her and she deserves it...More stories of Mason will follow, but for now I thought I'd ease you in ....the story of her shitting on the M25 can wait another day...... Lee Mason is available for hire : call ( 0898 cupcake) for prices...